Have you seen my elephant?

One of the elephant pictures hanging in my baby's nursery

Is there an elephant behind me?

There’s two ways this situation happens. 

The first scenario goes down like this:

You and I see each other. We say awkward hellos and we both keep looking over my shoulder and noticing the elephant... but don’t say anything. Then we just say goodbye and feel relieved that encounter is over. 

Scenario #2 looks like this:

We run into each other and are excited! We hug and then ask what each other is up to. Then you mention I actually live in Dallas and wonder why I’m here. That’s when the elephant stands up again and looks right at you, directly in your eyes. We both fumble over why I’m still in St. Louis, then we both realize how busy we are and need to go. 

Ok... not all of life encounters happen like this, but lots do. Sometimes it’s not even just in person, it can happen via text too! 

However, what really fills me up and what makes me want to hug you a little longer is when you reach out and say “Hey Lauren! Hey elephant in the room! How are y’all?”

So, “the elephant in the room” that I keep talking about is my mom that died. 

It feels really weird to just face that fact right out the gate in a conversation. I speak for myself and not others that are grieving. They have their grief process and this is mine. 

When people just come at it from the start, I feel validated. I feel like they know that I’m hurting and that my pain is seen and recognized. Just because I’m hurting doesn’t mean I can’t still move foreword in life. It just means I bring a little more baggage along for the trip. 

Sometimes people don’t know what to see when they see me. They’ve decided they have to have to perfect words to say to me when they see me so that their words will actually fully heal my heart. That’s a lie and don’t put that kind of pressure on yourself. 

The best words to say to someone grieving is “I love you and I’m here.  Even if you’re not”

A few months before and for few months following my mom’s death, I was basically the worst friend you had ever met. I probably forgot your kid’s birthday (probably yours, too), I forgot to respond to your text message, and possibly screwed up your JP order. I just wasn’t good. I wanted to try, but I didn’t have it in me.. 

Through all of that, my friends kept showing up. They kept texting to unresponded messages, left voicemails that they knew wouldn’t be returned, sent cards I didn’t acknowledge, gifts My heart didn’t know how to receive. 

They took that elephant and looked it right into its eyes because I couldn’t. I couldn’t face my reality. Acknowledging that my mom died  was facing the elephant and I wasn’t ready. In all my blessings in life, I’ve never been more grateful for my tribe. 

Thank you to: 

The people that took on what I couldn’t. 

The friends that stood by me when our relationship was FAR from equal. 

The people that don't horrified when I said “oh I’m staying in St. Louis for awhile because my mom passed in September”

The friends that texted almost daily to just say they were thinking of me

The people that went out of their way to wish me a “Happy Thanksgiving” and acknowledge the sadness I had missing my mom that day. 

The people that showed up at the funeral when I said “it’s not a big deal! Don’t even come!” (I needed you there and didn’t know that,  but you did)

The friends that kept showing up at my house when I wasn’t the most welcoming. 

The people that saw the elephant and said hello

Some of my "tribe" that all showed up and stayed every minute of the service, just so I could know they were there.

Everyone’s grief process is different, and everyone with respond to situations in their own way. What I do know is that I NEVER got upset or sad when someone told me they were sorry for my loss.

 I felt relief and gratitude that my pain was validated. I didn’t feel like I had to pretend I was fine just so we didn’t have to have an awkward conversation.  Actually, the conversation was a lot less awkward from then on. We didn’t have to tip toe around anything afraid to accidentally “bring it up”. 

What I hope you get from reading this is that you can be that brave person your friend needs, even if they don’t know it. When someone you know experiences a loss, seek them out. Tell them they are loved and their hurt is recognized. The next time you see them, remind them they are loved and any pain they are still experiencing is acknowledged. 

Next time you have a conversation with someone you know experienced a loss and you didn’t know till they just shared it with you, don’t shut down out of fear of bringing up the pain. Let them know you are open to them sharing more if they are willing.

Sometimes we have to get comfortable getting uncomfortable so we can show our empathy for others. 

Thank you for seeing my elephant and chasing it out of the room!

This is my James Avery charm bracelet I have the represents all my special moments in life. Hunter surprised me with the elephant during my first pregnancy because I was OBSESSED with elephants. I love that this charm can now remind me to always face the elephant in the room when others can't

{Lauren}